Episode 1 - This is not a boarding pass

I never check-in online. I mean, what if you check-in online & then on the way, something goes wrong - say you get stuck in a traffic jam or your train breaks down. What if you check-in online, then Jesus comes back? What happens then? Can you claim on your travel insurance? I suppose it wouldn't matter at that point. He is due - hopefully with a bit of notice though, Mondays are particularly busy for me.

So, I didn't check in online, but got a little panicked when I received four text messages whilst en route, informing me that I hadn't checked in online, as if this was news to me. Give me some new information!

The effortlessly beautiful, effervescently purple Elizabeth Line seamlessly whisked me directly from Abbey Wood to Heathrow Terminal 2, entirely on Oyster, for just £13.30. On arrival, there is about a 16-mile walk from the platform to the terminal, but thoughtfully placed travelators expedite the process.

Any of you have ever read my blog before will be familiar with my giant orange tortoise who has accompanied me on every trip for the last twenty years, having been purchased for my questionably successful Bronze DofE expedition, which was a mixture of getting lost on various golf courses, falling out with a field of alpaca and knocking on someone's door to ask for directions. That giant orange tortoise has since been with me to 70 countries; she's been lashed to the top of African bush taxis, thrown into the bowels of boats in the Carribbean sea, she's had emergency surgery in the middle of Senegal and searched on multiple occasions. I know her every nook and cranny, from the hidden internal pockets, to exactly how to strategically fit my flip-flops into the side compartment. But, as with all good things, my giant orange tortoise's life has now come to an end, and she is moving into retirement. 

So now, it is the turn of 'Bluebird' to accompany me. She is a much more recent model - with zips and everything. She has a daughter, Baby Bluebird, who zips comfortably on to her back, a bit like an actual baby, (not that babies zip on, but you get the idea), although I decided to leave her at home as attaching her made my depth increase three-fold which I thought might not endear me to anyone walking in the vicinity.

After the 16-mile walk, I attempted to check-in via a machine. I followed due process, scanning my passport, completing the details of where I'm going etc. I was perturbed when a small piece of paper printed which simply said, 'This is not a boarding pass'.

I showed it to a nearby member of staff who helpfully retorted - 'this is not a boarding pass'.

He didn't say anything else.  He just pressed button after button until a piece of paper was printed which proclaimed in bold, unquestionable letters - 'Boarding Pass'. He pressed it into my hand and said, 'this is a boarding pass'. I think he would be benefit from my course on 'Improving Communication Skills', but it didn't feel like the right time to offer.

Post-security, I enjoyed a filter coffee from Pret, where I received 50p off thanks to having my thermo-mug. Awkwardly, my trusty foldaway thermo-mug has sustained an injury and appears to be leaking. This is not a helpful situation, anywhere. But I'm not giving up on her yet - it needs further exploration to see where the leak is - and the middle of an airport is not the place for that exploration.

I then spoke with someone who was doing a survey - I love surveys! Awkwardly, I think I may have inadvertently expressed interest in a dodgy pyramid-selling scheme - I really was only being polite - whoops.

I then headed to WHSmith to buy a few presents, recruiting fellow shoppers to help with my decisions.

The flight was delayed leaving - something about some outstanding paperwork - story of my life - my paperwork is permanently outstanding.  I read an entire book before we'd even left the ground.  I've brought five books with me - two about Jesus, one by Stacey Dooley and two about time management which I have never got round to reading.

I've listened to multiple podcasts, watched a documentary about the warrior women of Benin - fascinating - plus tried listening to something which bills itself as 'audio based movies to engage your imagination. No words, no music' - I was intrigued. It turns out to be a load of prolonged sound effects. Apparently it was created with yoga instructors from across the world. But I don't think it took them very long.